Letters to My Son .... #onelove

To my son -

Since your birth in 2007 there have been over 10 mass shootings in the United States alone. Shootings where innocents lost their lives because someone could not handle their emotions/had mental issues; could not agree with life choices; or could not be tolerant of views that did not mimic their own.  They lost their lives because someone chose hatred over love; hatred over tolerance; hatred over acceptance; they simply chose hatred!  Perhaps because they were scared; had been hurt/bullied; didn't have the mental capability or was taught that way.  No matter the case, I write this letter to you now, because of the recent events in Orlando. Because I want you to know, remember, and be taught that we celebrate uniqueness, individuality and acceptance of others who may not believe as we believe, love how we love or look as we look.

I hope that I've instilled that in you.  That you are unique and loved. That everyone deserves the respect of having their own opinion and values even if they are radically different than ours. That with this respect of others' beliefs, values, religion, sexual preference, looks, etc comes a responsibility to ensure it's done peacefully.  That you NEVER have permission to physically hurt someone (and I'm not talking about self-defense) just because you're angry, don't agree or don't like what they did, said, or look like.  That you have the power to choose LOVE; to choose RESPECT (even if others don't return it); to choose LIFE.

These recent events have rocked me to the core, wondering what kind of world you may grow up in. How much should I shelter you? How much should you be exposed to?  I think back to when I was a child your age and the biggest thing we worried about in school was an earthquake or hurricane (which would likely never happen in my Houston school) but that's what we "prepared" for. Now you practice "lock down drills" for just these types of situations - mass shootings. I have training at work specific to "armed assailants/attacks."   We now live in a world where we potentially fear going to church, the movies, a club, a restaurant .... I never wanted that for you.

Read about these incidents; hopefully there aren't many more after them and see how cities came together, how people came together; how we stood united that this act was unjust.  If you ever feel that much hate to someone I hope you seek guidance from a confidant; a counselor; a parent; a friend.  That you know that violence is NEVER the answer to getting a message across.  That you embrace each person as a unique, God made and loved individual. It doesn't mean you have agree with everything; be best friends with everyone, but only be accepting that it's their life to live how they want - just as yours is. No one is better or greater or more valued than another. We are all God's creations and he loves us all.

Be a beacon of love; of light; of hope! Spread kindness; Pimp joy! Most of all remember "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."

I love you - for you; all of you!
Momma

How I traumatized my child

Funny yet serious story that happened last night.  I don't mean to make light of this subject or what happened but parts are funny and other parts serious.  I want to remember this and for Trevor to look back on it too, so I'm penning it down here to do so!

Long story so bare with me - we had just left Chilis off 620/183 after a ball game. Justin had driven separately to meet us at the game because it was right after work and I picked up T from camp.  Any ways - we were on our way home and T really likes to "beat dad home" but J had made the first light out without us and I assumed we would never catch up.  BUT we did (only after watching an insane driver weave, speed and use the shoulder as a lane to pass people he wanted but I digress.)  So once I said "hey that's Dad ahead of us" T was ready to pass him. fast forward 2 miles down the road we are nose to nose driving (not crazy or super fast so calm down my gasping friends!) when he edges me out because a truck pulled into my lane.  T wants me to go around this guy and I'm like "that's not safe, we'd cut him off and that's not ok." So we come to terms with being in second for the last leg of our journey (a 2 lane road so no bypassing the camaro in my CRV)  Which T asks why I couldn't go faster ---- I explain that the camaro is lower profiled (can hug turns and not flip over like the CRV); that it has a V8 and we are a 4 cylinder, plus that Daddy just likes to go fast!  He says "yep he always goes over the speed limit!" Which I return with "I'm sure it's not that much over."  We talk about how fast cars CAN go and how fast they should go. I stated that Daddy has always had a "fast car" (or hot rod as T calls them) and always liked going a bit fast. T asks if J went fast when he was little (aka 16) and I said "oh probably, he was a bit of a bad little boy (re: to an earlier discussion we had on the way home about T spotting graffiti and I said bad little boys probably did it).  T asked what else J did to which I answered "well Daddy thought he was a grown up and was very disrespectful and made some bad choices and Papa got upset and kicked him out of the house."  T gasped and said "he did?!" I said yes; next thing I hear is T doing this weird Laugh/Cry sound and says "That's sooooo sad."  I say "what?" He says "That's soooooooo sad."  I say "yes but I didn't tell you to make you sad. I was just telling a story. don't be sad. Daddy's ok it didn't hurt him."  Then I can't tell if he's really crying or laughing or both. So I ask if he's serious.  He states "look at me. look at my eyes. I'm not kidding."  To which I glance back and see tears STREAMING; puffy eyes and heartbreak on his face.  I again try to reassure him that Daddy was ok; he just didn't make good choices and Papa didn't like it.  Then I apologized for traumatizing him.  He says "Why did you have to tell me that? Why did you traumatize me?" At this point I'm at a loss -- PARENT FAIL is going off in my head like an alarm!!! RUN DIVERT DISTRACT is being screamed by the little mom on my shoulder!  I don't know what to do ....... we still have about .5 miles in the car to go.

then he asks (mind you in a very hurting, sobbing voice) "Did he do drugs!?"  SHIT -- don't answer that ,DO NOT answer that Lindsay -- the little shoulder mom screams!!!!!!!!  I reply "Um you have to talk to your father about that."  I jump out of the car......crap what just happened?!?! I think to myself. Did I share too much too young?!?!  He opens his door exclaims "Did he smoke?" I again say "you just have to talk to daddy about those things. You know we'd never do that to you. Daddy wasn't little when it all happened he was big; 18 big. That only happens if you're really disrespectful and make bad choices." (CRAP my mouth went there again -- as though a little reminder of "listen to mommy and daddy or else" would help in this case?!?!?!?!!?)  I'm regretting all my words. I'm literally running into the house to prepare J for what might come. Worried that we have a full on melt down coming.

T walks in the house - still visibly upset; tells me to tell J what happened (which is rare - usually he likes for these things to be secret from J) to which I do.  I can hear T in his room (getting undressed for the shower) saying to himself "Why she traumatize me?" or "Oh I'm traumatized" or something and him "coaxing" himself to calm down.   He eventually does after the shower and NOTHING else is said about it as we laid and snuggled before we put him to bed.

So -- did I share too much too soon?!?! possibly!!!!  I really didn't think it was going to impact him that way. It could have been the long week and his tiredness in full effect as well?  who knows?  All I know is it sounds like it's going to be HEART BREAKING to my child if he finds out that we were not perfect little children growing up!!! o.O We've had the talk that we all make mistakes; we learn from them and help others to not make them as well --- but this may take the cake of our "hero status" to my little guy.

I truly hope I didn't traumatize him (hoping his dramatic flair was just in full effect) as it was never my intention.  At times I thought he was being silly about it but once I saw his face I knew he meant business.  So as you see funny but serious.   Taking on the time old parenting issue of "when do you tell your kids about your mistakes/stupid adolescence!?"

AGAIN: please note our driving was within 10mph of the speed limit; there was no reckless driving (unlike the guy I witnessed on 360) or true  "racing" of cars!! Just a little Mind racing!

Thanks for listening to me rant.... hope I didn't "traumatize" you as well!!! :)