Only Just Begun ......

On Harper's Caring Bridge page I talked about this song from The Carpenters; "We've only just begun."  The first line spoke to me as I reflected on the first week of Harper's journey and flooded my thoughts with the memories I have of my sisters and I dancing in our Houston living room to much of the Carpenters vinyl album over and over. Laughing, twirling, smiling as we danced away.  I know why these memories stand so clear in my mind - it encompassed all the things I loved - music, dance, my family.

Music has always spoken to me; dance was my outlet for many years. As I learned of my niece's illness and reflected on the moments ahead of us as a family and actually began to feel all of the feelings that flooded my body I turned to music. I frantically searched for songs that spoke to me - spoke to my feelings. The feelings of fear; of grief; of frustration; of joy; of guilt; of strength.  All of it.  At one point I vocalized that feeling as being broken.  I was - I am - broken inside.

A lot has gone on in the past month; so much that I won't go into right now; I emotionally cannot go into right now.  The emotions have been on overdrive since June 1. Each story I see about leukemia or childhood cancer I must read. Each research article I must read. I grip to the stories of success as though it's a life line.  Statistics freak me out yet intrigue me. I have to believe it's just all part of my process.  My process is very different than say  my sister's.  I cannot imagine or fathom the thoughts and feelings that overwhelm her.  That is when I feel guilty. When I think I'm being selfish.

I've become obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. Watching it from the beginning. Most recently they had a few episodes that discussed the stages of grief.  It spoke to me.  How we all experience them, in our own ways and our own time. That there isn't just one way of handling news like this. That it's ok to have "all the feels" as my friend would say. That you have to find what works for you so that you can move through the stages.  For me it's been the music and writing. Maybe I need to bring back the dancing and have one in the living room for old time's sake.

I didn't mean for this to be all somber and sad.  It's just where I am right now. Reflective. A lot has happened. Life is happening. Sometimes it moves at a slow snail pace forcing you to stop and look around at the life you have. Other times it flies by with a whirlwind, causing a dizzied frenzy, as you reach out hoping to grab something so you can stop the roller coaster or merry go round from moving any quicker.

I can only hope that for anyone struggling with life and what it's thrown at you that you find your process; have something that helps you move through it. Like music.  If you need inspiration I find that listening to Audra Day's "Rise Up" or Rachel Platten's "Fight Song" gives me that kick I need.

As for our little fighter:
Harper's actually doing great. Her spinal taps and bone marrow draws all show no cancer cells.  Her counts are about where the Drs want them and she's made it past the first 30 days, upping her survival rate to 50% already.  She's kicking cancer's ass. She's even home for a week, snuggling in bed with her whole family, not in a hospital room while some of her family stays in a hotel down the street.  She's doing good.

We're all doing good.  It's just that a lot has gone on in 30 days.....and we've only just begun.