We Lit the Night

Last night the HarperStrong team walked in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Light the Night Walk and boy did we represent.  With a walking team of over 60 people and raising over $20,000 Harper was proudly honored!

As I walked to the stage to be introduced as the person representing all the supporters in the crowd (aka Red lanterns) I became flooded by emotions. It reminded of the day I graduated college as I remember having some what of the same feeling.  My eyes welled up with tears, my body felt weak and my heart literally felt as though it would burst. Not from being scared, but from being so PROUD.  I don't even know if it was self pride, for either of these moments, but just pride in what had been accomplished. It was the overwhelming feeling of energy in the place. Like I could feel ever emotion that was happening.  The grief and celebration of life in remembering those lives lost. The hope and faith in honoring those fighting the battle. The love and strength of those supporting others who endure the journey with the fighter.  It all rushed over me; through me.  I literally was bursting with pride for everyone! Not just my team for coming together and raising so much money for needed research and support or the fact that  we were #1 or 60 deep with our banner carried by our smallest supporters or even that I as team captain got to be recognized on stage for all of these things. It was pride to be there for Harper! To honor her with such accolade and power.

Every time someone said 'thank you for all you do', I had to remind them it wasn't me, but YOU. The team raised the funds. The team reached out and spread Harper's word across the country. The team came tonight to walk in the cold and wind. I just facilitated some coordination. YOU did the "dirty work."  I THANK YOU!

I know where my love for Harper stems. I've loved her the moment I knew she was going to be here; even more the moment I saw my sister's face as the gender was revealed; even more when I held her in my arms the day after she was born; and if it's even possible EVEN more the day she was diagnosed. For you all to love her is amazing..... to know she is loved by you is uplifting. It's what got me through the doubts and fears those first few weeks of her diagnosis. YOU all came in so fast with that love, sending prayer after prayer, good thoughts and well wishes, physical hugs and support, day after day!

I created HarperStrong2017 to honor Harper forever but also because it was how I knew I could physically give back. I felt helpless and I knew that I needed to channel my fear and my need to help somewhere. You all responded in joining me; reading the Caring Bridge, joining our Facebook group, purchasing Harper gear, giving blood, donating meals, joining our Light the Night team, shopping our Kendra Gives Back and raising money in Harper's honor!

Perhaps that was one of the emotions washing over me last night -- STRENGTH. The feeling of knowing I can make a difference -- WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

Thank you for that. I know that may not have been your intent; you said "I just wanted to help." You did - not just for Harper or honoring her journey and battle, but for me as well.  There are no true words to describe the gratitude one feels when you witness the impact of what I thought would be "just organizing a group to raise awareness and money" would have on me.   I know that my family feels the same way.  We cannot say THANK YOU enough..... to forever know that we will not journey this alone made the difference.

Though this moment of raising funds and being an official team has come to an end, I know that our team remains just as "powerful." Again, Thank you for supporting us in all the ways you have, whether you meant to or knew you where even making such an impact, you did.

Way to go #harperstrong2017 team! We truly lit the night with love, joy and so much pride! Now who's ready to start thinking about next year?!!?

Only Just Begun ......

On Harper's Caring Bridge page I talked about this song from The Carpenters; "We've only just begun."  The first line spoke to me as I reflected on the first week of Harper's journey and flooded my thoughts with the memories I have of my sisters and I dancing in our Houston living room to much of the Carpenters vinyl album over and over. Laughing, twirling, smiling as we danced away.  I know why these memories stand so clear in my mind - it encompassed all the things I loved - music, dance, my family.

Music has always spoken to me; dance was my outlet for many years. As I learned of my niece's illness and reflected on the moments ahead of us as a family and actually began to feel all of the feelings that flooded my body I turned to music. I frantically searched for songs that spoke to me - spoke to my feelings. The feelings of fear; of grief; of frustration; of joy; of guilt; of strength.  All of it.  At one point I vocalized that feeling as being broken.  I was - I am - broken inside.

A lot has gone on in the past month; so much that I won't go into right now; I emotionally cannot go into right now.  The emotions have been on overdrive since June 1. Each story I see about leukemia or childhood cancer I must read. Each research article I must read. I grip to the stories of success as though it's a life line.  Statistics freak me out yet intrigue me. I have to believe it's just all part of my process.  My process is very different than say  my sister's.  I cannot imagine or fathom the thoughts and feelings that overwhelm her.  That is when I feel guilty. When I think I'm being selfish.

I've become obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. Watching it from the beginning. Most recently they had a few episodes that discussed the stages of grief.  It spoke to me.  How we all experience them, in our own ways and our own time. That there isn't just one way of handling news like this. That it's ok to have "all the feels" as my friend would say. That you have to find what works for you so that you can move through the stages.  For me it's been the music and writing. Maybe I need to bring back the dancing and have one in the living room for old time's sake.

I didn't mean for this to be all somber and sad.  It's just where I am right now. Reflective. A lot has happened. Life is happening. Sometimes it moves at a slow snail pace forcing you to stop and look around at the life you have. Other times it flies by with a whirlwind, causing a dizzied frenzy, as you reach out hoping to grab something so you can stop the roller coaster or merry go round from moving any quicker.

I can only hope that for anyone struggling with life and what it's thrown at you that you find your process; have something that helps you move through it. Like music.  If you need inspiration I find that listening to Audra Day's "Rise Up" or Rachel Platten's "Fight Song" gives me that kick I need.

As for our little fighter:
Harper's actually doing great. Her spinal taps and bone marrow draws all show no cancer cells.  Her counts are about where the Drs want them and she's made it past the first 30 days, upping her survival rate to 50% already.  She's kicking cancer's ass. She's even home for a week, snuggling in bed with her whole family, not in a hospital room while some of her family stays in a hotel down the street.  She's doing good.

We're all doing good.  It's just that a lot has gone on in 30 days.....and we've only just begun.

Blow to the Heart

There are moments in your life you never forget. Moments that pierce the heart forever leaving its imprint. Some are joyous, and others sorrowful. For me some of those moments are my first love, meeting my husband, graduating college, my wedding day, becoming a mother, losing my grandmother, my son's diagnosis, his first day of school, and then today - June 1, 2017...... the day we found out my 10 week old niece has leukemia and is given a 10% shot at survival.

BAM! Blow to the heart.......  Like a left hook you never saw coming.

You hear these stories. Stories of little ones battling this horrible disease and think "Thank God that's not us; not my child."  You can't fathom the thought of it "happening to you" or anyone in your family. I had that teenage euphoria when I heard those stories. The "it'll never happen to us" complex. But it did.  Like a knife, it pierces through your heart down into your soul.

You begin to question a lot -- why our family? why her? why are you doing this God? is my faith enough? will my faith falter? will I falter? can I be strong enough for them? where will I find the strength?

You want answers....will she beat it? are you sure? what's the next step? how long will it take?

You want to wake up because surely it's just been a horrid dream; a bad joke gone wrong; a royal mess up in the lab...... but you don't awake, no one screams "you've been punked" and the lab confirms its findings.

As I stood in the ER room and then the PICU room, listening the doctors give diagnosis and prognosis, watching my sister and brother in law's bodies sink with sadness, their eyes welling up with tears, I fought that urge to break down; to cry along with them. They needed a solid ground, a solid soul - a calming soul as my BIL called me.  6.5 hours later as I walked away from a sleeping baby - my sweet, angelic niece, I began to break. The blow to my heart was slowly breaking it in two.  I opened the door to my car and before it shut I lost it. The ugliest cries of them all I am sure.  As I drove home I'd have a moment of calm, then the blow would come rushing back and I'd lose it again. When I got home I went straight to my son's room and crawled into his bed, cradling him in my arms (his 9 year old body) and wept some more. After laying in my own bed the blow hit one more time..... knockout. It won.

June 1, 2017 forever marked in my heart.