Letters to My Son .... #onelove

To my son -

Since your birth in 2007 there have been over 10 mass shootings in the United States alone. Shootings where innocents lost their lives because someone could not handle their emotions/had mental issues; could not agree with life choices; or could not be tolerant of views that did not mimic their own.  They lost their lives because someone chose hatred over love; hatred over tolerance; hatred over acceptance; they simply chose hatred!  Perhaps because they were scared; had been hurt/bullied; didn't have the mental capability or was taught that way.  No matter the case, I write this letter to you now, because of the recent events in Orlando. Because I want you to know, remember, and be taught that we celebrate uniqueness, individuality and acceptance of others who may not believe as we believe, love how we love or look as we look.

I hope that I've instilled that in you.  That you are unique and loved. That everyone deserves the respect of having their own opinion and values even if they are radically different than ours. That with this respect of others' beliefs, values, religion, sexual preference, looks, etc comes a responsibility to ensure it's done peacefully.  That you NEVER have permission to physically hurt someone (and I'm not talking about self-defense) just because you're angry, don't agree or don't like what they did, said, or look like.  That you have the power to choose LOVE; to choose RESPECT (even if others don't return it); to choose LIFE.

These recent events have rocked me to the core, wondering what kind of world you may grow up in. How much should I shelter you? How much should you be exposed to?  I think back to when I was a child your age and the biggest thing we worried about in school was an earthquake or hurricane (which would likely never happen in my Houston school) but that's what we "prepared" for. Now you practice "lock down drills" for just these types of situations - mass shootings. I have training at work specific to "armed assailants/attacks."   We now live in a world where we potentially fear going to church, the movies, a club, a restaurant .... I never wanted that for you.

Read about these incidents; hopefully there aren't many more after them and see how cities came together, how people came together; how we stood united that this act was unjust.  If you ever feel that much hate to someone I hope you seek guidance from a confidant; a counselor; a parent; a friend.  That you know that violence is NEVER the answer to getting a message across.  That you embrace each person as a unique, God made and loved individual. It doesn't mean you have agree with everything; be best friends with everyone, but only be accepting that it's their life to live how they want - just as yours is. No one is better or greater or more valued than another. We are all God's creations and he loves us all.

Be a beacon of love; of light; of hope! Spread kindness; Pimp joy! Most of all remember "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."

I love you - for you; all of you!
Momma

How I traumatized my child

Funny yet serious story that happened last night.  I don't mean to make light of this subject or what happened but parts are funny and other parts serious.  I want to remember this and for Trevor to look back on it too, so I'm penning it down here to do so!

Long story so bare with me - we had just left Chilis off 620/183 after a ball game. Justin had driven separately to meet us at the game because it was right after work and I picked up T from camp.  Any ways - we were on our way home and T really likes to "beat dad home" but J had made the first light out without us and I assumed we would never catch up.  BUT we did (only after watching an insane driver weave, speed and use the shoulder as a lane to pass people he wanted but I digress.)  So once I said "hey that's Dad ahead of us" T was ready to pass him. fast forward 2 miles down the road we are nose to nose driving (not crazy or super fast so calm down my gasping friends!) when he edges me out because a truck pulled into my lane.  T wants me to go around this guy and I'm like "that's not safe, we'd cut him off and that's not ok." So we come to terms with being in second for the last leg of our journey (a 2 lane road so no bypassing the camaro in my CRV)  Which T asks why I couldn't go faster ---- I explain that the camaro is lower profiled (can hug turns and not flip over like the CRV); that it has a V8 and we are a 4 cylinder, plus that Daddy just likes to go fast!  He says "yep he always goes over the speed limit!" Which I return with "I'm sure it's not that much over."  We talk about how fast cars CAN go and how fast they should go. I stated that Daddy has always had a "fast car" (or hot rod as T calls them) and always liked going a bit fast. T asks if J went fast when he was little (aka 16) and I said "oh probably, he was a bit of a bad little boy (re: to an earlier discussion we had on the way home about T spotting graffiti and I said bad little boys probably did it).  T asked what else J did to which I answered "well Daddy thought he was a grown up and was very disrespectful and made some bad choices and Papa got upset and kicked him out of the house."  T gasped and said "he did?!" I said yes; next thing I hear is T doing this weird Laugh/Cry sound and says "That's sooooo sad."  I say "what?" He says "That's soooooooo sad."  I say "yes but I didn't tell you to make you sad. I was just telling a story. don't be sad. Daddy's ok it didn't hurt him."  Then I can't tell if he's really crying or laughing or both. So I ask if he's serious.  He states "look at me. look at my eyes. I'm not kidding."  To which I glance back and see tears STREAMING; puffy eyes and heartbreak on his face.  I again try to reassure him that Daddy was ok; he just didn't make good choices and Papa didn't like it.  Then I apologized for traumatizing him.  He says "Why did you have to tell me that? Why did you traumatize me?" At this point I'm at a loss -- PARENT FAIL is going off in my head like an alarm!!! RUN DIVERT DISTRACT is being screamed by the little mom on my shoulder!  I don't know what to do ....... we still have about .5 miles in the car to go.

then he asks (mind you in a very hurting, sobbing voice) "Did he do drugs!?"  SHIT -- don't answer that ,DO NOT answer that Lindsay -- the little shoulder mom screams!!!!!!!!  I reply "Um you have to talk to your father about that."  I jump out of the car......crap what just happened?!?! I think to myself. Did I share too much too young?!?!  He opens his door exclaims "Did he smoke?" I again say "you just have to talk to daddy about those things. You know we'd never do that to you. Daddy wasn't little when it all happened he was big; 18 big. That only happens if you're really disrespectful and make bad choices." (CRAP my mouth went there again -- as though a little reminder of "listen to mommy and daddy or else" would help in this case?!?!?!?!!?)  I'm regretting all my words. I'm literally running into the house to prepare J for what might come. Worried that we have a full on melt down coming.

T walks in the house - still visibly upset; tells me to tell J what happened (which is rare - usually he likes for these things to be secret from J) to which I do.  I can hear T in his room (getting undressed for the shower) saying to himself "Why she traumatize me?" or "Oh I'm traumatized" or something and him "coaxing" himself to calm down.   He eventually does after the shower and NOTHING else is said about it as we laid and snuggled before we put him to bed.

So -- did I share too much too soon?!?! possibly!!!!  I really didn't think it was going to impact him that way. It could have been the long week and his tiredness in full effect as well?  who knows?  All I know is it sounds like it's going to be HEART BREAKING to my child if he finds out that we were not perfect little children growing up!!! o.O We've had the talk that we all make mistakes; we learn from them and help others to not make them as well --- but this may take the cake of our "hero status" to my little guy.

I truly hope I didn't traumatize him (hoping his dramatic flair was just in full effect) as it was never my intention.  At times I thought he was being silly about it but once I saw his face I knew he meant business.  So as you see funny but serious.   Taking on the time old parenting issue of "when do you tell your kids about your mistakes/stupid adolescence!?"

AGAIN: please note our driving was within 10mph of the speed limit; there was no reckless driving (unlike the guy I witnessed on 360) or true  "racing" of cars!! Just a little Mind racing!

Thanks for listening to me rant.... hope I didn't "traumatize" you as well!!! :)

Updates Galore

Some quick updates:

Trevor is doing well in 3rd grade. It's been a trying year with remembering things, not rushing through our work and focusing on things but he's on target and still loves going to school. He's requested to continue at BCE so I think we'll finish out elementary school there (instead of transferring to our home school.)

We're deep into Spring ball - Pinto A's team. Justin is the PA (aka assistant coach) and this has also been a trying season. Games are here and there in terms of consistency in playing as a team, but as for Trevor he's doing well. We're going to try All-Stars this summer to see if baseball is 'his thing.' Pray for us -- I hear it's daily practices and tournaments weekly!!

Janice has been watching Trevor after school each day so he gets to ride the bus home! I'm glad that it worked out so we could save a little money and help the MIL out as well.  Plus T gets to spend time with her.

For summer Trevor will attend a school near work a few weeks, be with my parents a few weeks and have some vacation time. We're heading on a road trip this year instead of Cabo so we can see some US sites!  We'll hit Big Bend, Grand Canyon, Carlsbad Caverns, Sedona, Vegas and the Hoover Dam!  I'm already exhausted planning it but I hope it's fun for all.  A little camping (glamping!) and some road trip games should make it memorable!

Work is going -- We're both content and that's fine!  I was able to pay off all my debt and we're focused on getting J there as well.  Even talking about buying some property (investment or to build on one day.)  Photography is good - kind of plateaued but that's ok with me. I kind of have my weekends back and I like that!

We're just counting down the days of school and tip vacation. It's going by so fast some days I just can't keep up with all that is going on!

Blessings and Love -
The Hills

Bueller.....Bueller...... I've been MIA

So it occurred to me the other day that I haven't posted in awhile. Not sure why - I mean I could chalk it up to a bunch of excuses but mostly it's just because I haven't made myself sit down and write something.

I used to write a lot - by hand. Yes I had a journal (or a diary) and some tell the stories of a misunderstood, confused youth and young lady; ramblings of a tired mom and wife; and of course secrets into the mystery that is me.

I remember how much of a release it was for me to write -- to just jot down every emotion in my head, in my heart. Not care if I spelled a word right or wrong; or if my sentences were grammatically correct (obviously I still don't care! ha) It would just flow -- sometimes so fast I couldn't make my hand keep up with my thoughts. I used to write poetry; love poems; heart ache poems; poems about the tribulations of love and loss.  I used to read --- A LOT.  But now I just don't have the time.  Well, I don't MAKE the time.

Today I was talking to a peer about dancing -- dancing used to be my life. It was my release along with writing. I don't seem to do either any more. So many things that once I became a mom I just couldn't find time for. I'm not blaming my child; I certainly blame me. Priorities just changed - shifted. I find myself dancing in the car with T instead of in my room with the music blaring. I write these little blogs (when I can) to preserve memories for T and so he can know me.

Lately, I've just been trying to find that passion again - that drive. The stuff that made or makes me ME. The things that make ME happy and fulfilled. Maybe other moms feel this way too. That you've lost yourself somewhere in motherhood and being a spouse and working a full time job (or 2!) Maybe I'm just the only one who hasn't figured it all out. Maybe no one else wants to admit that.

 They aren't kidding when people say  "mid-life crisis." At some point I think we all hit a moment in our life when we stand in front of the preverbal mirror and say "who am I?"  I feel like I know who I am -- but somewhere along the last few months especially, I feel like I've lost that sense.  I've realized I don't do a lot of the things that used to bring me such joy, such release, such comfort. Maybe I have replaced them with other things? Maybe I just locked them away and need to remember where I put that key (probably next to that other thing I can never find!)

Perhaps, this is my own way of telling myself "Lindsay MAKE the time." So that's my message to all of you who aren't MAKING the time; who have been, like me, "too busy" or denying that you haven't lost yourself. Make the time -- even if it's just for 15 minutes on a Wednesday night, while your kiddo is at baseball practice and the house is actually quiet. :)

Hello 2016.... Goodbye 2015

So every year I try to sum up the events that lead to our most memorable moments, and this year will be no exception.  2015 brought a lot of fun and laughter, but also some tears and tribulations.  Definitely moments that I hope are forever cherished. Little moments and Big moments.

There's no way I can announce them all but here's a little preview of what 2015 had in store for the Hill family! (tried to do chronological order)

January: I started a "Better Me 2015" effort.  For the most part I did change how I eat and what I eat! I wish I could say that I lost weight but I think I had some grandiose plans for change and my multi-tasking did not go as well as I thought I could! I am hoping with some "financial weight" lifted I can truly focus on this physical weight!

February: My sisters and I put together a "surprise" 60th birthday party for my mom! I think we did a bang up job and we joked about creating a business! But seriously let's maybe do that!  Mom had a great time and we sang the night away with karaoke!

March: Spring Baseball as an A.  We had a lot of fun at OHYSA Spring Season Ball as we played our second season of Coach pitch.  Coach Steven and Daddy led us to many victories and Momma got to sit in the stands and do a lot of cheering (and photography!)

April: Trevor prepared all year for First Communion. Early May he completed this spiritual journey with many family members watching! God Bless Trevor! I was a catechist again and continued to grow as well in my spiritual relationship with God.

May: We decided to hit up Florida this year for our family trip and drove all the way to Orlando for some Disney, Seaworld and Universal Studio fun; stopping in Fort Walton, FL and New Orleans LA. It was a long drive but so glad to get opportunities like this to bond and make memories with my little family.

June: Was a good month but it also gave us a few reminders of how precious life is and how we need to cherish each moment! We lost 2 members of the Wyatt family (Marvin and Linda), plus my dear friend's hubby started his battle against brain cancer with radiation treatments.  Sometimes life hiccups and forces you to pause and reflect on the things that really matter! We are so blessed to have family and friends we love so dear in our lives and try so hard to never take those moments for granted.

July: Trevor turned 8 this year and we celebrated at the neighborhood park with a few family and friends.  Pokemon was the main theme of fun this year for Trevor so of course it was our theme for partying! He also lost his first tooth! If you're familiar with his condition we thought this wouldn't happen for a few more years! So he was super excited to have his first tooth loose! :)

August: Third Grade here he comes! Trevor continued at Barton Creek Elementary in third grade with Mrs. Georgakis! A rough start but he's doing well and just loves reading and learning! :)

September: I celebrated my 37th birthday by treating myself to Garth Brooks tickets in Dallas, TX. I was so blessed to have 3 of my closest friends come with me to share in the fun! #bucketlistitem

October: We did our "third" trip to the beach with the Harr/Hutson and Griffin families! It was nice to get away and catch up with my bestie! Can't wait to do it again this year! We had smores, made sand castles and swam in perfect weather! Truly a blessed memory of fun and friends!

November: Lindsay became DEBT FREE!!!! This might not make sense to some, but Justin and I have separate finances in regards to our credit. It's not that we don't share these but he has his bills and I have mine. After 4 years of trying I finally made it a reality! I paid my last credit card bill on November 27th!  Now to work on Justin.  (We also applied for a home loan and that's a whole separate story, for another time, but one we're hoping it has news in 2016!)

December: We continued our 25 days of holiday experiences this year (as we did last year) and repeated some of our favorite things. We try to focus on events that remind us of the reason for the season..... Main Street Bethlehem in Burnet, Zilker Tree and Trail of Lights, family nights, church services and giving to others.  Mostly we are so happy to have Justin's Grandparents closer this season! Gail and Jim have traded their California home for a Texas one and we couldn't be happier!

So 2015 was pretty kind! We both still like our jobs, my photography biz skyrocketed, and we're still kickin! For those of you that had a part in our 2015 THANKS! We hope it was memorable for you as well! For 2016 our biggest goal is to stay on a good financial path, make more memories with those with love and continue to be happy with the choices/path we follow!

CHEERS!! Happy 2016 everyone!

Conversations with an 8 year old

So last night I went on a sweet walk with my son -- now 8 years old! I cannot believe how time flies.  Moments will flicker reminding me of how little he was and still is, but then he'll say something so profound I forget he's only 8.

Last night was a moment like that.  As we were walking down our street for an impromtu (suggested by him) walk, we talked about differnt things - the day, what he did, what he liked; then he asked me "Name 5 harmless animals."  So I did - something to the likes of  "a fly, a worm, a bird, a cat, and a fish (regular one!)" I asked him to name 5 harmful animals and he did  - "shark, bear, mosquito, snake (and one other)"  The subject changed a bit then he said "Momma what are your 5 biggest fears?" 

Good question, my son, I thought to myself.  How honest should I be, I asked myself.  So I went vague but true....leaving out my worst fear - losing him (oh and the dentist -- I really don't need him sharing my anxiety!)  I said "fire, tornados, snakes, my brakes not working in my car (i tend to dream a lot about this) and heights."  He said "you're afraid of heights? But you went on that ride at Schiltterbahn!"  He's referring to climbing up the 5 flights of stairs at Blastenhoff to ride the Master Blaster, which freaked him out the first few times.  I said 'Yes it scares me but I try to just keep looking up and not look down.'  He seemed satisfied with that response and made his own reference to his little fear.

I turned the question back to him - "What are your biggest fears?"  He repeated most - "hurricanes, snakes, heights" but then said "dying. I'm afraid of what dying feels like."  A bit saddened - I think I actually uttered an "awe" - I tried to bring it back to a positive vibe saying "I don't know what dying feels like but you believe that you'll be safe with God and Jesus in heaven, right?"  He agreed but then asked "I mean like are you just flying around all day? Is it like dark or bright all the time? I'm just saying like what is it like?"  I just said I didn't know.  He then moved the conversation to when he would be a grown up I  would be a grandparent.  I just said I hope so and grabbed his hand as we walked the last few houses to our own.

At the moment I knew this was a great conversation we had just had.  But looking back now I realize how special it was.  I think back now of all the things I should have said or could have but it doesn't change the fact that my child - children in general - really have deep perplexing thoughts.  Even at 8 years of age.

I really want to document more of them.... but for now, here's this one.

What do you think dying is like? Or heaven?

Letters to my Son - Love

Dear Son -

Lately, you've been very interested in things much too mature for what a mom would like a 7 year old to be asking questions about.  Nonetheless, I am answering those questions as frankly and positively as possible.  Many may question our motives as parents, why we would talk to you about such things? But I firmly believe that  you should feel comfortable asking us any question you think.

So what have those questions been?  Well, you asked about sex. Your friend had already told you the jist of it so there was no need for us to elaborate much more. You've asked about body parts (breasts, breastfeeding, vaginas, penises, etc.) We even talked about you having a girlfriend and what you thought it meant.  I'll be honest in saying it totally made me gasp at what you might have said, but then I relaxed when you stated that "we just do fun things together" as for what boyfriends and girlfriends at age 7 do.

I love your curiosity. I love how in tune you are with emotions and the giving of love. Your hugs fuel me and your kisses are soft reminders that you are so sweet.  I hope you never lose those parts of you.  I love how you look at a woman and love the curves and smiles the best!  One day you'll be a great husband/boyfriend (although you have sworn to me that you will never marry!)  As much as a mom wants her baby boy to stay with her forever, I know you will grow up to love another woman more than me - or differently than me.

Though we've already discussed a lot of the "birds and bees" so young I just want to remind you of the key points we want you to remember, cherish, value and protect.

1) Your body is YOUR body and no one else has claim to it.  You give permission for someone to touch, caress or harm it. Protect it; value it; and respect it.

2) Just as your body is yours -- HER body is hers!  Value it and RESPECT it!

3) RESPECT that is the best word I can teach you about relationships - whether they are friends, lovers or spouses.  You must show respect to get it in turn.  Be kind and be patient.

4) Show your affections and emotions.  It never does anyone any good to pretend to not feel. Boys can cry and hurt.  But you can also be angry without screaming or hurting. So learn how to handle those emotions as well.

5) Just as you want someone to hear you out - you have to be willing to hear them out! Communication is key to any relationship and it should be honest, sincere and thoughtful.  Try not to speak in anger as it can do more harm than you think.  Communication can be verbal, nonverbal or written.

6) Don't give your heart (or "v card") to just anyone.  Make sure they are deserving and treating you with respect and love.  It's ok to say not right now - even if all the other kids are doing it!

There's probably a lot more I could tell you. How to not make the mistakes I did or to do this and that. But ultimately it's your heart.  Continue to question - continue to be willing to love, even if your heart has been broken.  I hope that you can always feel comfortable asking us those "serious" and possibly "embarrassing" questions.

Now that I'm sure I'm completely embarrassed you (by telling your stories and talking about s-e-x!) I'll finish my letter with just a little xoxo and I LOVE YOU!!!

Love, Momma